It was the Year of Our Lord 2013, and I was
devouring a cheeseburger in a Chatsworth, CA
franchise of a certain multinational fast food
conglomerate which shall remain nameless. A crazed
skull face painted, dirt-bag, clown sat down beside
me. This Skeletor reject of Uriah Heap introduced
himself as Ronald Osborne and was familiar with my
work. I was informed that Ronald, Slayer Mac
Cheeze, Grimalice, and the Cat Burglar, were
performing secret rock shows in the bunker-like
basements of the local restaurants. But the time had
come, he said, to bring drive-thru metal up from the
"underground," and he asked if I would consider
becoming the manager. BAM! Abruptly we were
thrown to the sidewalk. (Apparently the daytime
manager was not informed of this activity) I looked
over at Ronald, watched him brush off the sodium
chloride and GMO remnants of my UN happy meal.

Before I knew it, I was in a burger stand bomb
shelter, witnessing Black Sabbath music, hilarious
fast food lyrics, smoldering clown heads with laser
eyes, a giant purple gumdrop bass player, and Tony
Iommi with a giant cheeseburger head. I was
confused, amazed and can't ever remember feeling

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